Relationships matter

  • Published
  • By Lt. Col. Gary Smith
  • 337th AIr Control Squadron commander
The holiday season is my favorite time of year, but it means different things to each of us. To many it is a time of joy, giving, great food and laughter. To some it is a period of pain and depression due to the loss of a loved one or traumatic memory associated with the holidays. To others it is a time when we spend too much money on too many people that we care too little about. To most it is the time of year when we reflect on the past and make impractical New Years resolutions that we have good intentions to keep, but lack the motivation. As we enter this time of year, I hope we all are able to relax and spend some time with friends, family and those with whom we have developed relationships.

Today we, as a society, have the capability to rekindle and maintain relationships easier than any previous generation through social media; yet, we have developed fewer lasting relationships than any era before now. Unfortunately, social media makes it too easy for us to simply broadcast our perspective without being encumbered by the petty conversation of others. It prevents social interdependence, which is necessary for the creation of true relationships.

Leadership, at its core, is a codependent relationship. Leaders provide goals. Team members provide the ambition to achieve them and create a need for higher goals. Leaders provide direction. Team members provide the momentum to get there. Leaders provide perspective. Team members learn and grow, which creates the need for deeper perspective. A team member's willingness to achieve goals, follow direction and understand perspective is dependent on their confidence in the leader. Confidence is developed through trust that must be earned through consistent interaction. Trust is fragile and easier to maintain than it is to rebuild once lost.

Said another way, leadership is a full contact sport. It is most effectively developed person to person, and it is rarely effective through email. Leaders must develop relationships with their team members. They need to ask genuine questions that require more than a yes or no answer. They have to develop their listening and perception skills to understand when a team member is talking or behaving differently. Often a leader may have to ask the same question multiple times to convey concern and a desire for a deeper answer. It has been identified that if you ask someone three times how he or she is doing, it is only on the third response that you will get a genuine answer.

At the recent 601st Air and Space Operations Center change of command, retired Col. Randy Spear related his need to change their organization from one that is "Mission Only" to one that is "Mission First, People Always." They realized that the string of divorces and health concerns indicated they had failed to invest in what we tout is our most precious resource -- the people.

Similarly, the Air Force has had a recent spike in the number of suicides, harassment and discrimination cases. These are all symptoms of decaying leadership and unattended relationships. Many times the perception that someone else cares is enough to encourage a nondestructive call for help. Consider how much more effectively that genuine concern and healthy relationships would prevent catastrophic, permanent solutions to short-term problems or shattered confidences because someone has a different skin color, belief system, gender or lifestyle. Relationships require respect.

Through a career's worth of experiences, countless missions and numerous moves, it is the relationships that I remember most when reminiscing about each assignment. The mission was always first and gave purpose to missing birthdays, anniversaries and other special moments, but it was the people that created the memories. It is the relationship with my peers that allows me to request and return favors when I need help or have the ability to help others. It is the relationship with my team members that allows us to achieve goals, follow direction and gain perspective. It is the relationship I have with my spouse and my children that will matter most the day that I retire. It is relationships that allow us to accomplish our missions.

As you enter this holiday season filled with gifts, food and chaos, I hope you take time to reflect on the blessings we have as a nation, as a service, as a team member, and as a person. We have to invest treasure and time into those things that we value. If we neglect what we should prioritize, we may make it through a season, but we will suffer the cost of lost opportunity. At the end of the day, don't forget that relationships matter.